Laat week Mötley Crüe bassist Nikki Sixx lashed out against Pearl Jam calling the band “one of the most boring bands in history,” saying they are one of “zillions of brown haired bands for brown haired fans.” Those jabs may seem unprovoked but his comments were in response to a New York Times interview with Eddie Vedder where Vedder called the music Mötley Crüe and other Sunset Strip era bands created “vacuous.” He also said “Mötley Crüe: [expletive] you.”
This isn’t a feud on the level of Blur vs. Oasis or Kanye vs. Drake, but there were definitely some shots fired by both sides. And if you know one thing about me from reading this site, you know I’m a Pearl Jam fan.
But don’t worry, I also happen to have brown hair (okay, so it’s more a brown-turning-grey color, but it’s still brown so that counts, right?) which makes it safe for me to be a part of Pearl Jam’s fanbase. Combine my hair color with my background as a music journalist and I’m uniquely qualified to provide a professional assessment of this situation.
After doing some deep thinking on this and spending countless hours researching the exact boredom level of Pearl Jam, I have come to the shocking scientific conclusion that Pearl Jam is indeed boring. How boring? Well, I’m afraid the evidence is pretty damning. Keep reading to find out for yourself.
They’re in a museum
In 2018 MoPOP in Seattle opened up an exhibit chronicling Pearl Jam’s three decades as a band. What’s more boring than museums?
They fought the law (and the law won)
Early in the band’s career the members of Pearl Jam thought Ticketmaster had a monopoly on the concert ticket and event industry. The band took up this cause and went all the way to Washington D.C. to testify in front of Congress. Talk about boring. Politics? Geez, there’s no politics in rock ‘n’ roll.
Once they went unplugged
Have you watched Pearl Jam’s 1992 performance on MTV Unplugged? Talk about boring. They’re playing acoustic guitars! Plus, at one point in the performance Eddie Vedder gets so bored that he breaks out a Sharpie and starts writing on himself. There’s no excitement, passion or energy in that performance. None at all.
They have so many side projects
Brad. Temple of the Dog. Mad Season. The Rockfords. RNDM. Three Fish. Tres Mtns. Painted Shield. Hovercraft. Wellwater Conspiracy … The list of Pearl Jam side projects is as long as the band is boring. Pearl Jam is such a boring band that the band members get so bored with one another they have to form other bands in order to stave off their own boredom.
They have boring, old friends
Way back in the 1990s when Mötley Crüe were riding high off the success of … oh wait, what did Mötley Crüe do in the 90s again? I forget. Well, that’s not important. What’s important is that in the 90s when Pearl Jam were in their prime they made a record with boring, old Neil Young and then they toured with him as his backing band. When Mötley Crüe were in their prime they had older friends too, but their old friends weren’t boring. Instead of spending time in the studio together, Nikki Sixx did cool things like urinating poolside after watching one of his idols snort a rail of ants. Definitely not boring.
They’ve had more drummers than Spinal Tap
There’s no denying Tommy Lee playing drums in a cage suspended in midair is a very cool and not-at-all -boring trick. Pearl Jam on the other hand has had its share of issues behind the kit. The band is so boring that they’ve had not one, not two, not three, but five drummers over the course of 30 years. Everyone knows drummers are usually the most boring members of any band. When your most boring band member can’t stick around then the boredom must be immeasurable.
Their songs are about women not girls, girls, girls
Not to be too crude here, but could you envision walking into a gentlemen’s club and seeing the main attraction walking onto the catwalk with “Daughter” booming over the PA? I didn’t think so. Pearl Jam write songs about elderly women behind the counters in small towns who can’t find a better man. Whereas Vince Neil pens classics like “Girls, Girls, Girls,” “She Goes Down” and “Ten Seconds to Love,” all of which have substantive and timeless lyrics.
They play in boring stadiums
Okay, this one is a bit contentious because Mötley Crüe also play in stadiums. But their stadium tour includes other bands. Pearl Jam is so boring they can’t get other bands to play stadiums with them. They have to sell out stadiums all by themselves. And the last time Pearl Jam performed in their hometown they played in a baseball stadium. Twice! We all know baseball is the most boring sport. So yes, Pearl Jam gets boredom points here.
They have boring fans, and they know it
So there you have it. It’s undisputable that Pearl Jam is a very boring band. If you’re a fan, congratulations for enjoying one of the most boring bands in rock n roll history.
Mötley Crüe is schedule to play in the same baseball stadium that PJ sold out twice.